Herb's Humor

Revolt

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 03:38:08 -0700

It COULD Happen This Way

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:38:56 -0700

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland
might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what
And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I!
So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of
course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in
the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from
St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head,
and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

"Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of
course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
1964."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head,
and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Sunday Morning

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 05:14:22 -0700

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their seven-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

Kissing A Nun

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 06:58:04 -0700

Kissing a Nun

A taxi cab driver got a call to pick up someone from the
airport. When he got there, he was surprised to see a nun
waiting for the taxi. As she climbed into the car and gave
the driver the address, the driver noticed how beautiful she
was. As he drove on, he kept looking into his rear-view
mirror at her. The nun couldn't help but notice him looking
at her. Finally, the cab driver said, "You know, Sister, I
think you're really quite beautiful."

"Well, thank you," she answered.

The driver went on, "I've always had a fantasy of kissing a
nun."

"Really?" she asked. "Well, then, pull over." The driver did
so. Then the nun asked him a few questions. "Are you
married?" she asked.

"No," said the driver.

"Are you Catholic?"

"Yes," the man nodded.

"Well, all right then," she said and stepped out of the car
and gave him a big kiss on the lips.

The driver felt so ashamed that he decided to tell her the
truth. "Sister, I have to tell you the truth: I AM married
and I'm NOT Catholic."

"That's okay," smiled the nun. "My name's Henry and I'm
going to a Halloween party!"

Turkey Nightmare

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 03:00:00 -0700

When I was a young turkey,
new to the coop,
My big brother Mike
took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down,
and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something
that I had to know.
His look and his tone
I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors
of..... Black November.

"Come about August,
now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals
instead of just three.

"And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing
under your chin.

"And then one morning,
when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers
so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part"
he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks
and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words
were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop
like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot
that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low
and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet
of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads,
juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries,
chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room
doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight
of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice
when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed,
ever closer to death;

And sure enough
when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey
left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet
in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry,
so I eat and I nap;

She held me today,
while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said:
"Christmas is coming..."

Beethoven

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."What? Don't you understand?" the caretaker says incredulously, "He's decomposing!"

Upcoming Financial Mergers

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 04:50:26 -0700

In light of the recent turmoil in the market, I thought this would be helpful.

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1 ) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2 ) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3 ) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4 ) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5 ) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6 ) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7 ) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8 ) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

Take It From My Hands

Mon, 6 Oct 2008 03:34:46 -0700

The song by Carrie Underwood, "Jesus Take The Wheel" has been played (overplayed, possibly) on all sorts of stations, country, and religious. This version is a little different...Click here to see "Cletus Take The Reel."

Church Bulletins

Sun, 5 Oct 2008 04:38:43 -0700

Some of these old but some new. Should give you a chuckle for the day.

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters and computers. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Ghandi

Sat, 4 Oct 2008 02:56:43 -0700

Got this e-mail from Carter.

I read a book about the great Indian religous leader Ghandi. I found there were so many things about this mystical spiritual leader that I had never known. For example

Ghandi never wore shoes and walked everywhere he went, leaving his feet thickly calloused. Ghandi also was a vegan, shunning all food products derived from animals. This lack of calcium in his diet left him with very brittle bones. And due to the constant intake of vegetables, he was left with chronic bad breath.

As I pondered these things, it came to me the Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.